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I swallowed a dose of cannabis oil a little over half an hour ago. So please, stick around. I'm hoping things might get interesting in the next few minutes.
Fed up with constant lower back pain, sleepless nights and woozy painkillers, I decided last week to join several hundred thousand other Australians and give medicinal cannabis a try.
The process was simple enough. Registering with one of the growing number of online clinics only took a few minutes. The following day, after a thorough 30-minute video consultation with a GP who outlined the risks (there is no legal exemption for medicinal cannabis in random drug-driving tests), a prescription for a vial of oil was express posted to my home.
I wasn't planning to drive today or tomorrow, anyway. Hunched behind a steering wheel with an aching back ensures I perform a decent impersonation of a question mark for hours. So I'm going to sit here and find out if there is any truth to all the hype about medicinal cannabis.
Two friends, including one who struggled with anxiety and sleep disorders for years, swear by the stuff. They're not alone. Almost 3000 years ago the so-called father of Chinese medicine, Emperor Shen Nong, boasted that cannabis seeds improved blood flow and energy, although he did warn that ingesting too much "may make one behold ghosts and frenetically run about".
Boosted by pandemic lockdowns and the rising popularity of telehealth services, Australia's burgeoning seven-year-old medicinal cannabis market (more than one million prescriptions have already been issued) is expected to be worth almost $150 million by the end of this year and more than $1 billion annually by the end of the decade.
It doesn't come cheap. A 50ml bottle cost $170 and, unless you're a member of a select few private health funds, there is no subsidy on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme.
Fifty minutes have passed since I dropped 0.5ml under my tongue. I'm definitely feeling more relaxed. A trick of the imagination or not, the oil I've taken is a combination of CBD - the active ingredient derived from marijuana - and THC, the major psychoactive component that gives users a high and often acts as an appetite stimulant.
So far, so good. There's a slight warming sensation in my back but no sense I'm about to become stoned or launch a sudden raid on the pantry.
According to the Therapeutic Goods Administration, the vast majority of medicinal cannabis prescriptions are used for chronic pain ailments, followed by anxiety, sleep disorders and the treatment of cancer pain.
While some doctors say scientific evidence corroborating the pain relief properties of cannabis remains inconclusive, and are concerned it is becoming too easy to obtain from profit-driven cannabis clinics, many studies indicate it plays a significant role in altering our perception of pain.
Research also suggests it may alleviate symptoms of neurodegenerative disorders like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's as well as arthritis, migraines and glaucoma. Earlier this year, Australian scientists completed a rigorous clinical study proving medicinal cannabis was an effective treatment for the persistent vocal and physical tics caused by Tourette syndrome.
But beyond science lies the social stigma of marijuana - a hangover from a century ago when Australia, under pressure from the Prohibition-era United States, outlawed its use. The ACT decriminalised possession of small amounts three years ago and draft legislation has been introduced in three states - Victoria, NSW and WA - to allow personal use. But the odds remain slim in the short term of Australia following the lead of dozens of countries and the majority of American states by legalising recreational marijuana.
Still, medicinal use is a start. Like many Australians I've sampled the illegal version - a few experimental joints as a teenager and a delicious weed muffin made by a friend years ago that left me sleeping like a baby. I'm not looking for that high, although the creativity it can generate is to be envied. I just want relief.
It's now been almost two hours since I took the oil. I'm warm and, at this late stage of the day, my back no longer aches as much. I could do with a good lie down, actually. Excuse me while I...
THE NEXT MORNING: Well, that was something. I woke briefly at 3am and went straight back to sleep. I never felt stoned but I was definitely more serene than I've felt in weeks. And my back? It still aches. But it no longer feels like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. More please.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Do you use medicinal cannabis? Have you tried other natural and alternative therapies for pain relief? Should marijuana be legalised for recreational use? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
- Last financial year's budget surplus is a one-off and government finances will be in deficit for at least the next 40 years as expenses grow more quickly than revenue, according to Treasury forecasts. Australians will also live longer, work less, earn more, have fewer children and be more reliant on critical minerals. The latest Intergenerational Report projects the budget will fall into deficit this financial year and stay there until at least 2062-63.
- Ultra-Orthodox Jewish principal Malka Leifer will spend up to 15 years behind bars for the insidious sexual abuse of two young high school students. The sentence brings to a close the decades-long fight by sisters Dassi Erlich and Elly Sapper for justice after their abuse at the hands of the mother-of-eight.
- Teachers and principals could have more authority to suspend and expel students as part of a push to improve student behaviour in schools. The NSW government has announced a revised behaviour policy that would be rolled out to the state's public schools before the end of the year.
THEY SAID IT: ""Herb is the healing of a nation. Alcohol is the destruction." - Bob Marley
YOU SAID IT: A teacher is forced to resign after an expletive-laden feedback session to Year 12 students, who - if we're honest - probably use the same kind of language.
"Thank you for the article on teachers, students and profanity, up there with your best," writes Charles. "It brought back memories from three quarters of a century ago. Back then corporal punishment was the go to for student (male) transgressions at Adelaide's Sturt Street Practising School and nobody thought anything of it: you did the wrong thing and it was rewarded with some form of physical pain. This prepared the way for high school where many of the teaching staff had more flair in their application of punishment. Teachers nowadays seem to have no disciplinary powers and their dedication to the profession has to be monumental to go to work each day with the prospect of being abused, unappreciated and undervalued. That has to change to reduce the recidivism in our young people."
Ian writes: "I have a relative whose silver tongue and wry humour causes everyone to listen attentively to every word. He never swears, and his honeyed words are beguiling and entrancing. He has made some poor decisions in life, but people still listen to him. The lesson to me is that the art of persuasion and influence comes from a careful and considered use of language, and cultivating a sense of shared and mutual respect so that others care about your opinion. This is what teachers should be trying to instil in themselves and their students. Being browbeaten and sworn at does not engender a desire to please. Being respectful and well-spoken will carry you through many difficult situations in life."
"My thoughts almost exactly," writes Christopher. "I thought [the teacher] tackled them brilliantly, using their language to its best effect. I hope the scoundrel who took and posted the video gets dealt a wake-up call."
Heather writes: "My primary school days are chiefly memorable for the strap. Palms of hands for the girls, bum for the boys. That teacher was unfairly sacked. Swearing is part of life. I love swearing and am a huge offender at every opportunity."
"Kids probably are a bit too mollycoddled at school these days, but I wish there had been some mollycoddling when I was at school," writes Deb. "It would have been nice to feel that the teachers were on my side, helping me to achieve rather than being just expecting that I would achieve. I feel very sorry for the teachers when their authority is undermined by parents. My parents were very supportive of the teachers - on the odd occasion that I did get a slap on the leg with a ruler, I would not have dared mention it at home or I would have got another slap. While I agree that most teenagers are used to swearing and being sworn at, I don't think it's appropriate for a teacher to use such language when addressing the students. But requiring a teacher to resign over such an incident is over the top."
Elizabeth from Ballarat writes: "I have nothing but sympathy for this teacher. You can hear the passion and frustration in her voice, and her criticism of their essays sounds entirely justified. The sad thing is that the student who posted this video probably thought it was all just a huge joke. The teacher has lost her job and suffered public humiliation, while those apathetic and entitled students will probably continue to write really crap essays. Thank you for the Echidna. It's always a great start to the day."
Old Donald chimes in: "After so many years in the teaching game at school and uni levels, I just quietly weep at the shorthand language patterns into which our kids have devolved. Your particular adjective (actually it could even be a much-reviled Molesworth gerund these days), is a very old English word. True, but it's been many years at swearing level and now it's a nothing word I hear kids use instead of anything that actually describes what they are getting at. It's almost in the 'like' camp. Lazy shorthand, John. Just too effing lazy to use effing appropriate effing words from our effing vast and effing beautiful effing language pool."
"Long time reader, first time writer," writes Kaye. "Just wanted to say how much this article made me laugh. Truer words couldn't be said about schooling and education. I, too, have been hunched over a desk for 30 years, trying to bend words to my will. I have recently started tutoring a friend's adult child who is seeking to complete high school as an aged student after not completing the first go round. Distilling and imparting hard-earned knowledge, honed over many years and hoping they act on it is both a rewarding honour and nail-bitingly frustrating in equal measure! How teachers do it day in day out is a miracle and one for which we should be eternally grateful!"