I am the bad grandma. The very bad grandma.
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The one who will indulge my four angels rotten: L, five, A, four, M, two, J, nine months. Yes, I'm the one who will sneak them an extra snake. And as you know, Christmas is a special time of year for all the bad grandmas, for extra snake-sneaking.
Because there is nothing more delicious, budget willing, than going entirely overboard on Christmas with children, ah, grandchildren. So I'm trying to hold on to a rule of Christmas gift giving which reels in my innate crazy at Christmas.
But first let me introduce you to the world expert on gift giving. Bernd Stauss, now an emeritus professor and author of The Psychology of Gift-Giving. I spoke to him years ago to get his key Christmas advice and it has stuck with me ever since. We have this thing where we ask kids what they want for Christmas - and it can be heartbreaking when they've been clear and we've failed to listen.
Stauss told me: "Children are very disappointed when clearly formulated hopes on the wish list are suddenly dashed."
I've learned how to fend off the impossible. No, there will be no spiders or helicopters or noisy beeping things. But if they ask - and it's financially manageable, then yes.
And then? It's this. The four gift rule. Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read. I add something to eat because, after all, it's Christmas.
The "something to read" is the easy one.
My granddarlings love this year's Bigfoot vs Yeti. The older ones love - and are in - the Tim and Ginger phase, the younger ones still searching for that fluffy floof: Where Is the Green Sheep?. I can remember plenty of books from the collective childhoods of my own children to recommend, buy and read - but I also love taking advice from librarians and booksellers.
Something to wear? I try to buy ridiculous Christmas shirts, shorts, skirts - but am easily dissuaded from the daggy by their far too-cool-for-school parents. Crocs (they need them and I reckon they are much better) with a million jibbitz attached (unnecessary adornments, I know), those charms which feature everything from the fluffiest pompoms to Spidermen, from little dinosaurs to hearts and sparkles.
Something they need? Of course. Try to keep it special though: swimming goggles called something terrible like predator. The cossies they love. Snazzy backpacks with Lego key rings for the school starters.
A huge number of balls: cricket, tennis, soccer, Steedens, Sherrins (we are nothing if not multicultural in this house) assorted sticks (cricket bat, hocket stick, tennis rackets, plain old sticks) because you can never have too many of those if you are a kid. Crayons. Paints. Huge rolls of newsprint which is the most cost effective. Chalk.
Eating? More of the aforementioned snakes and those larger pythons for special occasions. I'd argue Christmas is a special occasion.
Which brings me to something they want. May I introduce you to Ninjago. If you don't know, lucky you.
One more thing. Stauss says it's important not to play favourites at Christmastime.
"To avoid feelings of favouritism or disadvantage, gift-giving rules must be observed, especially if - as is often the case at Christmas - presents are unwrapped in the presence of others." So, treat your kids equally. Yeah, yeah. But they are all adults.
These days, the grandkids have a bigger haul every time.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Do you have any Christmas traditions? What's been your biggest Christmas gift success? And biggest failure? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
Jenna Price is a guest Echidna and a regular columnist.
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